Self Awareness and Honesty for a Happy Life

Again, I find myself struggling with other people's self-deception which is affecting my relationship with them. The actions and words that are so obviously driven out of fear.  Apparently the ego has a defense mechanism of "splitting."  Splitting diffuses anxiety that happens when people can't grasp the complexity of a situation and simplify it to make it easier to think about.  It is devious because it reinforces a sense of good and virtue while demonizing those who do not share the opinion and value (uh that would be me being demonized).  This compartmentalization depicts a distorted view of reality and effects people's ability to attract and maintain relationships. According to Neel Burton, Splitting can easily flip with friend and lovers being thought of as personified virtue at one time, and vice at another (and back and forth). Okay, so great... Now I know what it is called and I am not the only one with screwy relationships where I just ignore the 10% of their craziness (or the split).

It turns out, humans inevitably do quite a lot of lying to themselves.  But because it is unconscious behavior, it is difficult to realize until we become more self-aware.  People are more apt to lie to themselves because they are afraid to face the truth.  It is fear that keeps us from facing the truth.  What will people think? What will that mean to me?  How will I cope?  Unfortunately, I find the biggest lies that I see are often in dealing with romantic (or unromantic) relationships.

So, while we all want to believe our thoughts are accurate reflections of reality, in fact, most of the time they are very inaccurate and reflects painful realities that we don't want to admit.  

I myself had a relationship that lasted way longer than its expiration date.  It indeed takes strength to fathom how you will separate your lives and move on without this person, no matter how miserable you are. Honestly, I actually didn't even know I was that miserable until I broke up with him.  Afterwards, people noted I looked happier (despite I was anxious) and I felt like a burden had been lifted. It took me a while to realize I wanted more (although I wasn't sure if I was asking too much out of life, was having it all an option?).  I had decided that it was better to gamble on having it all then to wonder for the rest of my life.  But after I made this scary change (it was a bit like leaping off a cliff) with gusto I have tackled my fears, resolved to never let fear rule my life. I have never regretted breaking it off, despite the loneliness, broken hearts, etc. because I also found pure joy and happiness and every relationship has brought me closer to a happier life and healthier relationships. 

So, if you are ready to face the truth, here are your five things you should do so you do not remain in self-denial:

1. Stop saying yes when you mean no. If it isn't an absolute Yes, then it is a No.
2. Realize that your reality is not everyone's reality.  It just isn't.  Your reality is based on your own views, moralities, abilities and restrictions which are special to you.
3. Acknowledge your fear.  I had fear that I couldn't survive on my own so I stayed with my fiance but what spurred me to act, was a bigger fear, that if I stayed with him, I would end up a disgruntled old woman wondering if there was a greater love out there for me.  Regret is far scarier than anything I can imagine.
4. Recognize if you are keep flip flopping or trying to convince yourself of something.  I had a boyfriend who used the same qualities I had that he said he loved to break up with me a later. 
5. Identify your defense mechanisms. This will help you realize when you start slipping into a lie. 

Below is a good link to a TEDx Talk for more about self deception. 

TEDx: Cortney Warren: Honest Liars: The Psychology of Self-Deception